To My Baby Girl

My sweet and precious baby......I'm sitting here tonight unable to sleep because my thoughts are consumed by you. I'm thinking about you and worrying about you and loving you more than I have ever thought, worried about or loved anyone before. My heart aches when I think about what could have happened, but I am reassured by how well things have gone in the past few days. I am trying to stay strong and confident that everything will work out just fine for us. You are everything in the world to me and I will do whatever it takes to bring you safely into this world. You have no idea how much you are wanted and loved. I would venture to say that you are by far the most wanted little girl. Your Daddy and I have tried and waited so long for you, and here you are, our little miracle baby. Everything about you is a miracle and this experience will be no exception. You have so many people praying for you and sending you all kinds of positive thoughts. I can't wait to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. I dream of the day when I can tell you myself how much I love you. We need to wait a little longer though because now is not the time. Hang in there, my little princess. We'll get through this.

UPDATE

Well, things spiraled wildly this week. Monday night after I had my injection, things got much, much worse. I was thinking that this was normal and due to the injection I had received earlier in the day, but I have been told that it was not a normal reaction - it was in fact early stages of labor. My contractions were to the point where I was in the shower rocking back and forth tryint to ease the pain. They were like the worst mentrual cramps ever. I got out of the shower when the water started going cold and Sam put me to bed. The cramps never stopped, but I was really thinking that it was a side effect of the injection since I was told it would get worse before it got better. The doctor gave me a sleeping pill to help me sleep, but I had no intention of taking it until Sam insisted and I gave in. I did manage to get sleep that night but then the next day I had a constant ache in my lower back. Again, I was thinking it was either just a side effect from the injection or just achiness from being in bed so much. I finally put a call in to the doctor Tuesday afternoon when the achiness did not subside and they told me to get to labor and deliver. Luckily Sam was just getting home at that point so he took me in to the hospital.

We went to the hospital I am going to deliver in, but needless to say, this was not the hospital tour I had in mind. They hooked me up to the monitor and gave me magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. I had an ultrasound done and Christina was head down by my cervix. At this point, my cervix has started to thin out some. Apparently, they want your cervix to be between 3 and 4 CM long, and Tuesday night, mine was at a 2.6 cm. I was also starting to dialate. I really started freaking out when they gave me injections of steroiods (very painful) in case Christina was delivered Tuesday night in order to strenghthen her lungs. She is only 26 weeks at this point and her little lungs would not be fully developed at this point. They also gave me an antibiotic in case I have Strep B, which is something some women may carry. They didn't have time to test me for that, but they gave me the antibiotic for it just in case. By some miracle, Christina managed to stay inside. Wednesday, the doctor was in to see me at 6:00 am and told the nurses to begin weening me off the mag. sulfate and then monitor me to see how I do without the medication. This took all day and by this point I was soooo ready to head home. I was weened off and then monitored and no contractions! I was released last night. I really believe that once you are medically stabalized, the best medicine is being in your own home and in your own bed. I have never slept as well as I did last night.

Dr. Rockman had me set up with a home health company in order to monitor my contractions. Two nurses came to our house this afternoon and showed Sam and I how to work the machine. I describe it as OnStar for my uterus. Once a day, I strap myself to it for an hour and it measures to see if I'm having contractions. It sends a report to the call center, where the info. is analyzed and I get a call back with the results. If I begin to feel contractions during the day, I strap myself to it and call the call center to let them know I'm sending in a report. It is so incredibly reassuring to know that I have access to this 24/7. As it turns out, Sam will be the one to give me the weekly injections of the 17 alphahydroxyprogesterone (17 P), which is what will hopefully prevent me from going into labor again. I'll be taking the injection weekly until 36 weeks, or until she is born. Since I've had my shot for this week, the nurse will come back Monday evening to show Sam how to do the shot from here on out. I've read studies on the 17 P, and of course you can find pros and cons for everything, but from what I've read, and from what Dr. Rockman says, this injection has proven to help women who experience pre-term labor continue on to carry the baby to term. Dr. Rockman says that at this point we are going for two weeks at a time, since in fetal development, each week is a huge milestone, but we are doing our best to get to at LEAST 36 weeks.

I'm on bedrest until I see the doctor Monday morning and it's driving me crazy! I feel for ladies who are on bedrest for months and months at a time. I'm hoping that he will let me return to work even if it's on a modified schedule or something because I really need the interaction. Sam will be going in to work in the morning and I know it will get lonely. In the end, of course I will do whatever it takes to make sure my precious Bean is healthy, even if that means I am on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. Her health is the most important to me and I'll do whatever it takes.

You know, obviously I have loved her with my whole heart, and I have since the day I found out I was pregnant, but this experience has increased my love for her exponentionally. I can't imagine my life without my little girl and it's really bothering me that my body is not cooperating. Everything indicates that she is completely healthy and doing great, and here my body is trying to push her out! It's the most frustrating experience because it's my body, but have ZERO control over it. I have faith that everything will be fine though, and that Christina will be just fine. The medication seems to be working and I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Please continue with the prayers and positive thoughts because they work!

Stressful Day

Well, I've been having all kinds of things going on for the past few days and this morning I was feeling much worse. I was only at work for about an hour and it got to the point where it seriously hurt to walk. I've been having that issue for a few days now, but this morning it got really bad so I left work and went in to see the doctor. He checked me out and had an ultrasound tech. paged from the hospital to check to see what was going on. Bean is just fine at this point.....she was mule kicking me away while we were doing the ultrasound and it was so funny to see. The doctor came back to talk to me and told me that my cervix is thinning and I'm experiencing pre-term labor. He gave me a shot to help stop it, but apparently, the shot makes the pains worse before it makes them better. Lovely. Let me just say it's not the most comfortable experience, but whatever it takes to keep my baby girl in there longer is worth it. I'm to stay home for the next two days and do NOTHING. I go back Wednesday for another check and I'll be doing the shots weekly to keep the labor away as much as possible. Needless to say I'm terrified, but I'm trying my best to stay calm because stressing is not good for me, and most importantly, it's not good for Bean. My doctor was very confident that since we caught this early, I'll be able to carry her to term as long as I continue the shots. Oh Bean......mommy loves you so very much. I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe and sound in there until it's time.

25 weeks 4 days

Oh my goodness! Time is FLYING!!!! I just realized the irony behind that statement......some days it feels like this will never end. I feel so uncomfortable and then some all knowing idiot feels the need to point out the obvious by saying "and you still have ALL summer to go!" Gee, thanks, like I haven't already thought about that one. Other days I feel like the time has flown by and I'm just wishing for more time to prepare for my precious baby girl.

Sam and I started the nursery yesterday. Well, really it was Sam who did all of the work because I kept having to take brakes. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He is just amazing. Enough about him though - this is about the nursery! We have decided on a very light, not in-your- face shade of pink. We are going to do chocolate brown trim around her crib and then paint the inside of the window frame chocolate brown. It sounds terrible, but believe me, it will be cute! I got a call from my mother today and she told me that she has started working on the crib and bassinet. We are using the same crib and bassinet my sister and I used as babies and I can't wait to get it all set up in our Christina's room. It's in awesome shape and it's all chocolate brown wood. Sometimes I go up into the nursery and I play with her little clothes and imagine her wearing them. I can't believe I'm actually getting a room in my home ready for our child! It's the most surreal feeling in the world for me, especially since I have been told for so long that this would never happen for us. I am so amazed at what is about to happen. This is our inspiration for her nursery, but we will not be doing the polka dots even though I think they are adorable. We will be doing the trim, the initials, and some type of stencil.

I took a spill about two weeks ago at lunch, but luckily nothing was hurt (most importantly Christina) except my pride. I was wearing some cute strappy sandals with a slight heal and I slid on a laminate floor at BJ's when I went to lunch with some co-workers. I landed on my butt, but one leg went straight out and the other leg went behind me in a pseudo split maneuver. I was instantly sore, but figured I was ok since I landed on my behind as opposed to my stomach or side. My co-workers were insisting I call the doctor and my mother of course freaked out and insisted I call so I did the next day. The doctor said that at this point in the pregnancy, any fall regardless of where I land needs to be checked out, so he had me come in for an ultrasound. They basically did the entire 20 week ultrasound all over again where they check everything from the brain to the tippy tip toes and she was strong as a horse. She was moving all around and they checked again to make sure she was still our baby girl instead of a boy. Phew! She's still a girl! I was checked to make sure I wasn't dilating and everything was just fine. Dr. Rockman said that he is going to start taking it two weeks at a time in order to see if I need to stop working, but I'm doing my best to keep working up until I deliver. We'll see how that goes though.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous blog, but Sam surprised us one evening with a pack n play for the Princess. He could not have chosen a girlier one, but we love it! It's in her nursery right now, but when she arrives we'll have it downstairs for her.

So, all in all, we are doing great and we're just plugging along. I'm getting anxious thinking about her actual birthday, but there is no way around it. I was talking to Sam the other night and I told him that I'm really starting to get anxious about it because it's not like if you happen to get hurt and then have to go to the hospital. It's something you know is coming, something you know is going to be the worst pain ever, and there is absolutely no way to avoid it. He pointed out that unlike other surprise hospital trips though, we will get to go home with baby we never thought we would be able to have. He's right.....it's worth it.

By the way, Christina is now roughly the size of a rutabega!

22 Weeks 2 Days

I got a call from Dr. Rockman's office yesterday evening saying he wouldn't be in next Friday so I needed to reschedule my appointment. As it was, I was supposed to go in this week for my checkup, but had to reschedule because I've been trapped in a training all week long. Well, lucky for us, he had an opening this afternoon, which was perfect because I had a slight scare Thursday.

We went in today and heard Christina's heart beat and got a clean bill of health for both of us! My cervix is completely closed and I'm not dialating *phew*. Christina's heartbeat was 150 bpm, which is great, and Dr. Rockman says that she's weighing in at about a pound and a half! Mommy's chunky monkey! I have a very mild infection, but nothing a little pill won't cure. I have gained a total of 11 pounds and even though I was concerned about that, the Dr. says that I'm fine so I guess I'm ok with it.

I killed some time this afternoon on my way to go get Sam for the appointment. I stopped in at a resale shop for baby and children's clothes and picked her up some onesies and sleepers. OMG they are adorable! I washed them when I got home and they are now hanging in her closet just waiting for her. I need to really get a move on getting things ready for her. I don't know what the hold up has been, but I'm starting to get anxious about getting everything done for her. I am waiting for her bedding to come in so I can decide for sure what color I'm going with for paint. The bedding is a pink with chocolate brown trim, but I can't remember now what shade of pink. Ha! Pink! Who would have thought that pink would catch my eye like it has been. Katherine, you were sooooo right! I still need to get her more clothes (girls can never have enough clothes), bath stuff, all kinds of stuff! I'm sure like most FTM's, I keep looking at the shelves at Babies R Us and I can't make heads or tails about what I need and what I don't need.

Sam's Grandma Hill sent her a white crochet dress and matching bonnet this week. It is the most precious thing I have ever seen! We have decided that it will be her coming home outfit.

Christina has been moving around so much these past few days. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going! I am cherishing this time when we are one in the same, and I can't help but wonder if I'll be sad when she's out here in the world. I can't believe I am having a baby! After everything we have been through and now this is really happening!

Cristina is getting a gift today!

Sam just got back from Tulsa last night, and since our anniversary was Tuesday we are going to celebrate it today. Our gift to each other this year - a pack n play for Baby Cristina! haha.....my how things change, right? We'll go looking around today to see what we find. We are going to Taste of Texas for a steak dinner and we are looking forward to it. mmmmm.......all I can think about it steak right now!

Cristina is doing well this week. She is very active and I'm convinced I grew over last weekend. Today is 20 weeks 3 days and according to Babycenter she is the length of a banana now.

Bean is a............

Beautiful and healthy baby GIRL!!!!

I should have updated this blog when we found out last week, but my life has been so crazy lately and I'm running on empty these days. So, rewinding to last week........

Our Moment of Truth

I usually get freaked out about a week before an ultrasound because I'm completely consumed with worry about how my baby is doing in there. I started feeling random flutters a few weeks ago, but nothing consistent and days would go by before I would feel anything. Ultrasound days are so precious because I feel like it's our time to visit with our baby. We see our baby on the screen and watch her move. We hear the heartbeat and talk to her. We tell her we love her and we dream about the day when we will hold her in our arms. How do you explain a love you feel for someone you have never even met? It's the most amazing feeling to see your baby, a piece of you and the person you love right there. So close. Literally a part of you.

We arrived early like we always do and waited in the lobby to get called back. Dr. Rockman was at the hospital delivering not one, but two babies so we were prepared to wait a while. The ultrasound tech called us back to do the ultrasound and this is where we were finally able to give our baby her name. After measuring all of her organs starting with her brain, going to her heart, her kidneys, all the way down to the tip tippy toes, we were told that everything looks great. The tech. asked if we wanted to know Bean's sex at which point Sam pipes up with zero hesitation "Yes!". At first it looked like we wouldn't be able to tell because Bean is incredibly modest. After jiggling my tummy, which I must say was a little embarassing, the tech announced "It's a girl!" We were stunned. I mean, we were completely aware at the fact that we have a 50/50 chance of either, just hearing that Bean was a baby girl was amazing. Even better was hearing that she is completely healthy. I stared at my baby girl and tears filled my eyes. My daughter was right there! So close I could almost reach out and touch her. I'm not sure how many times I told her "I love you, Cristina!" "Mommy loves you so very much!" Sam just kept asking over and over "She's ok, right" "She's healthy, right?" He just needed to hear that his baby girl was just fine. To date, along with the day we found out we are going to be parents, that was the most defining moment of my life. It was a point in time where everything we have been through to become parents came together and made sense.

So, Bean now has an identity of her very own. Her grandparents on both sides are thrilled, her aunts are so proud, her parents are eager to welcome her home. Needless to say, my mother and I have gone nuts buying pink, a color I have always hated. For some reason though, everything I've ever thought in the past is somehow different. I am struggling with the need to provide the very best for my daughter, but trying to figure out what the best really is. I'm a first time mom and I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong or mess something up. I am so thankful for my friends who are moms and for my own mother passing down their wisdom and support. It means more than these ladies, my friends and family will ever know. It's almost like a right of passage of their own. They have gone from being first time mommies to passing down all of their knowledge. It's amazing to see.

Baby Cristina Marie

We have decided that our daughter will be named Cristina Marie in honor of my sister and my mother in law. My sister's name is Cristina and Sam's mother's name was Tina Marie. I'm thinking we may spell her first name with an "h" (Christina) since it's more common, but my sister's name is not spelled with an "h" so it's very difficult for me to add it in there. We'll see.

How Mommy Is Doing at 19 weeks 4 days

I'm FINALLY feeling pregnant! The aches and pains have begun and Cristina has been constantly moving for the past three days now and I feel her on and off throughout the day. So far nothing more than fluttering around, but it's deffinetly there. She even woke me up the other night with her movement. Sam and I are looking forward to the day when he will feel her moving around from the outside, but for now it's just something she and I share. We both realize that we will have to include Daddy in this soon, but it's just nice having this special time with her right now.

I'm noticing that my hips are sore because I'm sure they are spreading now and my back hurts if I sit, stand, walk, or lay down for too long. Pretty much all the time. I get tired easily and it takes every ounce of energy I have to make it through the work day without a nap. I've decided that I'll start bringing my lunch to work with me and scarfing it down and then spend the second half of my lunch taking a quick cat nap to see if that helps. I live for the weekends when I can laze around and take my naps throughout the day and I hate when I have something to do on a weekend that gets in the way of my napping. Sam has been absolutely amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. He makes dinner and cleans every single night without fail. He is such an amazing man and I can't wait to see him interact with our daughter. I'm seeing a side in him that is making me fall in love with him even deeper than before. I'm finding Cristina consumes all of my thoughts these days. She's all I think about and all I talk about. I'm sure people get tired of hearing about it, but I honestly don't care. She's all I can focus on at this point. I can't believe that Wednesday will be 20 weeks already! The half-way point! Where does the time go? I'm finding that I'm thinking more and more about Cristina's birthday and I'm very anxious about it. It's terrifying to me, but all that matters is that she's ok and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she is.

Babycenter says......
That she is the size of a heirloom tomato and weight 8.5 ounces. By Wednesday she'll be as big as a banana! That's a lot of growth in one week!