One Year Ago Today

I can't believe that one year ago today I found out that my life would never be the same. One year ago today I found out I was going to be a mommy. It's amazing how fast the time has gone. My baby girl is five months old now and I as hard as I try, I just can not imagine my life without her in it.

I remember a conversation I had with a co-worker when I was pregnant about the fear I had of losing my identity by becoming a mother. At the time I felt that who I was then was who I wanted to be, and I was terrified of someone changing that. Looking back now, I see that I was really just scared of the new role I would be taking on, and understandably so. Five months later, I have settled into my new role as a mother and I see that I have changed in more ways than I can count, and I couldn't be happier. I truly feel that being a mother has made me a better person. Here I have this perfect, pure, and completely innocent little person counting on me to be the best person I can be so that I can raise her in the best possible way. Christina makes me want to be a better person, and I am so thankful to her for that. When I think about who I am, I am a mother first and foremost, a wife, a daughter, a sister. I embrace my new identity and I see now that this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I am so amazed at how my little girl has opened my eyes to a love I never imagined existed. I truly believe that a person has no idea what true love is until they first lay eyes on their child. I had a conversation with my mom and sister not long ago about this very thing. My mom asked me to describe the love I have for Christina, and I told her that when I tell Christina how much I love her, I always tell her: "My love for you is higher than the highest mountain, deeper than the depths of the ocean, more than the sand in the Sahara." I told her that even that doesn't come close to describing how I love her. Just thinking about how much I love her I started to cry and I just said "It's just too much." There are no words to even begin to describe the love a mother has for her child, and there is no way you could even begin to explain the feeling to someone unless they have experienced it themselves. I look at her and she takes my breath away. My heart skips a beat when I see her smile. There is something special about my baby girl. I know every mother feels that way, but there is something really special about Christina. She is such a kind soul and I just have a feeling about her.

Sam and I have discussed the possibilty of trying for another baby in the near future. We go back and forth and only time will tell. I would love to give Christina a baby brother or sister, but she is a miracle and I almost feel gready by wanting another baby. Sam feels like we dodged a bullet and he is scared that if we have another baby, that we might not be so lucky. I think at the end of the day, at this point in time, I am content with where we are now. If Christina is my one and only then I am fine with that and I am so grateful for her.

Another New Year

Well, here we are in 2010! Last year flew by so quickly that it seems like a blur. We brought in the new year pretty low key, but then that's how we always bring in the new year. Christy and her family came over to cook out fajitas and pop firecrackers. The baby was asleep before they got here, but woke up when the fireworks started going off. I was happy to see that she was amazed by the fireworks, but then it all went wrong for her. Poor baby Christina became terrified by them. There was no calming her down, and she just didn't seem to want anything to do with me. It hurt my feelings when Sam came in and took over and she just seemed to burrow into him. It's so funny how if she has a choice between the two of us, the girl will choose her daddy every time. Sam ended up having to lay down with her to keep her calm. He said that every time a firework would go off she would shake and burrow in as far as she could into him. After Christy and her family left, I went upstairs to find the two of them all nestled in the bed. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen - one that I will never forget. My entire world was right there sleeping on my bed. In the end, Sam brought in the new year with our angel and I brought in the new year with my Medela pump sucking the hell out of my breasts. Nice.

I woke up this morning to my darling hubby bringing me a nice tall cup of coffee. How on earth did I ever get so lucky? I couldn't believe it when he told me it was 9:45! I haven't slept that late since before Christina was born!

Christina seems to be going through a growth spurt these days. She's eating more often and her sleeping patterns are out of whack. She has been staring at Sam and I when we eat and smacks her lips the entire time. It's really one of the cutest things I have ever seen. After going back and forth, I finally decided that she could bring in the new year with her first taste of oatmeal. My initial plan was to avoid introducing any type of solids for her first year and only give breast milk during that time. Lately though I am seeing that the girl needs more than just breast milk, so I started entertaining the idea of solids. I wanted to start her on avacados since they are loaded with good healthy fats, plus they are smooshy anyway, but her pediatritian's website says to hold off on veggies until about six months. They recommeded rice cereal, but I decided to go with oatmeal. We fed her with a spoon this morning and she seemed to really enjoy it. I'll have to play around with the consistency of the oatmeal a little bit, but we'll get it down. It was adorabel to hear her slerp it up from the spoon. Absolutely precious! I can't believe my little girl is already four months! Where on earth does the time go?

I never make new year's resolutions because I think they are silly anyway, however, my one and only resolution is to be the absolute best mother to this little miracle of mine. She deserves only the very best, and while I'm not the very best by any stretch of the imagination, I love her with my entire heart and soul and I think that's a good start. It's amazing to me how I hoped and prayed for her for eight long years. Every new year that would come was another year that I didn't have the baby I dreamed of, and each year I would hope that it would be the year that she would come. Here I am now with my miracle sleeping soundly in the next room and it's even better than I ever imagined.